“You are overreacting.”
“You are upset over nothing.”
“I never said that. You must be confused again.”
“You sound crazy.”
Have you ever heard something like this, especially repeatedly by one person? If it resonates with you, there may be a possibility that you were experiencing gaslighting.
Gaslighting has become a buzzword that seems to pop up everywhere these days. The interest in the term grew so much that its search on Google rose by a whopping 1740% in 2022. This is more than twice an increase compared to any other search term this year. It’s unsurprising that gaslighting is proclaimed a Word of the year by the Merriam-Webster dictionary for 2022.
We live in an extraordinary time where we have more information about mental health, communication, relationships, and well-being than ever. This is, overall, a very good thing. It’s great that people are learning more about gaslighting, so they can recognize it and protect themselves. At the same time, when we use the word around so much, some misunderstandings may occur. It becomes important to make sure we know what it actually means, and also what it doesn’t mean.
So, what is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where one person undermines the other person’s reality and leads them to question their own perception and sanity, all the while dismissing their feelings. This tactic is common in emotionally abusive relationships.
By twisting the facts, denying, diverting from the topic, trivializing other people’s emotions, and using degrading comments to put them down, one person tries to gain power over the other by twisting their sense of reality and making them question their ability to think rationally. Over time, the person who’s being gaslighted starts to feel anxious, depressed, withdrawn, confused, and unable to trust themselves. This is especially true when gaslighting happens in a wider context of abuse.
While anyone can experience gaslighting in any type of relationship, like in a workplace, in friend groups, or among family members, we most commonly discuss it in the context of romantic relationships.
What are some gaslighting examples?
So, what does gaslighting look like in practice? Sometimes it’s so subtle that we may not be sure if it’s gaslighting or mere disagreement. You may be wondering: “Am I being gaslighted?”. Here are some gaslighting examples and red flags in relationships that could help you identify it:
- Dismissing your feelings and perceptions as invalid or even pathological. (“You sound crazy”)
- Attempting to convince you that you should not trust your memory (“This must be another one of your crazy ideas. Think back to the situation when you remembered X wrong. This is the same thing”)
- Pretending not to understand what you’re saying so that they don’t have to respond (“I don’t know what you’re talking about”)
- Trying to change the subject to divert you from the topic (“Have you been talking to your friend again? Usually you get this kind of crazy ideas when you spend some time with her”)
- Flatly denying that they have said or done something they did. This happens often, it’s not a one-time thing (“I never said that. You heard that wrong. You are making things up. I would never do such a thing”).
Gaslighting red flags to watch out for in a relationship:
- You find yourself always apologizing
- You feel confused, question your perception and memory, and constantly second-guess yourself
- Their actions don’t match their words
- They deny your reality. When confronted by proof, they can become defensive and start attacking you
- Degrading comments, questioning your ability to think rationally
- You frequently wonder if you are too sensitive
- You know something is wrong, but you just can’t point out what.
In a nutshell, gaslighting often unfolds like this:
That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you caused it, and so you deserved it.
Gaslighting is extremely damaging for a relationship, but more importantly, for individual well-being. Over time, it can create the effects of confusion, brain fog, self-doubt, disorientation, fear, anxiety, feeling like you are losing your mind, difficulty making judgments or simple decisions, second-guessing your perception and memory, feeling like you are not good enough, that you constantly need to apologize. You may gradually feel more and more dependent on the gaslighter’s validation, emotional support, and “rational view”.
It’s important to note that many of these symptoms are experienced by people who already go through depression, high levels of anxiety, lots of stress, or who have low self-esteem, certain attachment styles, or unhealthy coping mechanisms to trauma. However, the difference with gaslighting is that there is another person who actively contributes to these symptoms occurring. If you don’t typically experience these feelings with other people, just with one particular person, then there is a higher chance that you may be experiencing gaslighting by them.
How to tell the difference between gaslighting and disagreement?
Not everyone’s perception of events is the same. We will sometimes disagree or have different views on what happened. We may even have strong opinions and reject the other person’s point of view. Still, it doesn’t have to mean it’s gaslighting.
So, how to tell if it’s gaslighting or just disagreement?
The main difference between gaslighting and disagreement is about power. In disagreement, the focus is on challenged viewpoints or hurt feelings. In gaslighting, the main goal is to take control over the other person by undermining their sense of self and making them question their sanity.
Someone who uses gaslighting may try to convince the other person that they remember things wrong, that they are overreacting, and that, therefore, their view of the situation and their feelings are not valid. They may use the target’s “mistakes”, “missteps”, or “overreactions” to turn the situation around and cast themselves as victim. On the receiving end of this behavior, the person can feel disoriented, confused, and worn out. They start asking themselves if they may be imagining things or if they are even justified to think or feel the way they do. Gaslighting is usually not a one-time thing. Rather, it is used over time to belittle the other person into being controlled.
The focus of disagreement is explaining one’s point of view, maybe even trying to convince the other person to change theirs, but NOT convincing them that they can’t trust themselves. Disagreements often involve unpleasant emotions. They can involve tension, stress, and heated discussion, especially around specific topics and with certain people. However, if there is a pattern of disagreement exactly in situations when one side feels hurt and tries to let the other person know about it, then there is a high possibility there is gaslighting involved.
Are gaslighters aware of what they do?
Those who use gaslighting are people too. They usually use this form of manipulation to ease the anxiety surrounding the possibility of losing control and power in the relationship or to protect themselves from feeling ashamed. Gaslighting serves as a tool to deflect responsibility because in their world, taking responsibility for hurtful actions = shame and degradation. So, instead, they turn to tearing down the other person, all the while keeping them hooked. For them, gaslighting is a cognitive strategy for self-regulation and co-regulation.
Often, people who use gaslighting are very well aware of their tactic. They know it’s effective and they consciously use it to manipulate the other person and gain power. However, sometimes, they may not even know that what they are doing is manipulative and so damaging. They may be convinced that they are “just being direct” or that it’s a normal way to behave in conflicts. For many, gaslighting could be something they picked up from the relationships they grew up around.
Why Gaslighting Is So Damaging
Gaslighting isn’t just about disagreement or misunderstanding—it’s a calculated tactic that erodes someone’s sense of reality and self-worth. Here’s why it’s so damaging:
Undermining Reality
Gaslighting chips away at your perception of reality. When someone consistently denies your experiences or twists facts, you start questioning your own sanity. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and a loss of confidence in your own judgment.
Psychological Manipulation
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. By making you doubt yourself, the gaslighter gains control. They may use tactics like denial, diversion, and trivialization to keep you off balance and submissive.
Emotional Abuse
At its core, gaslighting is emotional abuse. It involves demeaning comments, constant criticism, and a disregard for your feelings. This abuse can leave deep emotional scars and make it difficult to trust others in the future.
Isolation and Dependence
Gaslighting often isolates you from friends, family, or other support networks. The gaslighter may paint others as unreliable or untrustworthy, making you more dependent on them for validation and support.
Self-Doubt and Confusion
Gaslighting creates a sense of self-doubt and confusion. You may second-guess every decision or opinion, wondering if you’re overreacting or imagining things. This self-doubt can permeate every aspect of your life.
Impact on Mental Health
The effects of gaslighting can be profound on mental health. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, paranoia, and even PTSD-like symptoms. Untangling yourself from these effects often requires professional support and a strong support system.
Breaking Free from Gaslighting
If you suspect you’re experiencing gaslighting, here are steps you can take:
- Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, trust your instincts. Gaslighting often makes you doubt yourself, but acknowledging your feelings is the first step toward reclaiming your reality.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide perspective and support. Having a strong support network is crucial in breaking free from gaslighting.
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with the gaslighter. Refuse to engage in manipulative conversations and assert your right to your feelings and perceptions.
- Focus on Self-Care: Invest in self-care practices that nurture your emotional well-being. This could include mindfulness, journaling, exercise, or activities that bring you joy and clarity.
- Educate Yourself: Learn more about gaslighting and emotional abuse. Understanding the tactics used can empower you to recognize them and protect yourself in the future.
Whatever the case is, if you recognize that you are experiencing gaslighting, it’s crucial to remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. Whatever the reason behind gaslighting is, the other person is consciously choosing to behave this way, and there is nothing you are doing that causes this behavior. It is something they do to protect their self-esteem and their sense of control. There are many ways to protect these things – and they are choosing the one that is harming you.
The most important first step toward protecting yourself from gaslighting is recognizing that it’s happening. From there, you can start making rational steps on what to do next, from working on your well-being to addressing the problem and setting boundaries, or maybe stepping away from the relationship. Talking to a mental health professional may also be beneficial, whether it’s in the form of individual therapy or couples counseling. Recovery may take some time, but it is possible to learn skills to overcome the damage gaslighting may have caused you.
Do you know how to spot gaslighting in relationships? How do you make a difference between gaslighting and disagreement? Let us know in the comment section down below!
Are you interested in learning more about coaching or therapy? Contact us today.
Resources:
Abramson, K. (2014). Turning up the lights to gaslighting. Philosophical Perspectives, 28, 1–30. https://www.jstor.org/stable/26614542
Catapang Podosky, P. (2021). Gaslighting, First- and Second-Order. Hypatia, 36(1), 207-227.
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Gaslighting. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved December 18, 2022, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/gaslighting
Miano, P., Bellomare, M., & Genova, V. G. (2021). Personality correlates of gaslighting behaviours in young adults. Journal of Sexual Aggression, 27(3), 285-298.