What if no one had picked up his call?
Why did I have to silence my phone during that moment?
What if I wasn’t brave enough to tell in someone older about her struggles and her attempt to end her life?
What if I had laughed off his rants instead of taking it seriously?
What if I ignored him when he needed someone to listen?
What if I had stayed with him just a little longer?
What if…
What if…
To you, who are carrying the heavy burden of blame for a friend’s suicide or near-suicide, this letter is for you.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame, to replay every moment, every interaction, searching for signs you might have missed or mistakes you might have made. I understand the weight of these thoughts, the crushing feeling of guilt that seems to follow you relentlessly. But I want you to hear this clearly: it’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. The pain you feel is a testament to your compassion and your love, but it should not be a chain that binds you in regret.
The “what-ifs” can consume you, making you question your choices and decisions. They have a way of magnifying the mistakes while blurring the reality of your efforts and intentions. Yes, it’s natural to question what might have been done differently, but dwelling on these thoughts will only deepen your suffering. It’s important to acknowledge and sit with your grief, to allow yourself to feel the sadness, the anger, and the confusion. It’s okay to be devastated. It’s okay to struggle with these emotions.
However, while you navigate this painful journey, remember to extend the same compassion to yourself that you would offer to a friend in your situation. It is not your responsibility to always be available, to always answer every call, or to always be the one who listens. You have limits, just like everyone else. Self-care is not selfish; it is a necessary part of maintaining your own well-being. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we cannot prevent someone from taking drastic actions. This does not mean you failed them or that you could have done more.
You provided support and care to the best of your ability. You offered your love, your time, and your concern. Those are valuable and meaningful contributions, and they should be recognized. Instead of focusing on what you could have done differently, try to focus on what you did do—how you tried to be there, how you cared, and how you were a friend.
If the burden feels too heavy to bear alone, reach out for support. Talking to a counsellor, joining a support group, or confiding in a trusted friend can provide you with the understanding and comfort you need. Healing is a process, and it’s okay to seek help along the way.
In memory of your friend and for the sake of your own mental and emotional health, be gentle with yourself. The road to healing involves recognizing your own humanity and accepting that you did your best under challenging circumstances. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and it is not your fault.
With empathy and understanding,
Someone Who Also Blamed Themselves for a Friend’s Suicide (or Near Suicide)